Sometimes I feel like the only time I post anymore is when I have a rough day. Maybe it’s my way of venting. Or maybe it’s because I feel like shit when I’m negative out loud.
I took the day off today because I needed a day to catch up on housework and I had the vet coming at 3:00 to vaccinate the goats and sheep for winter. Nora was rough. Really rough.
I took her to the doctor this morning for a follow up on her rash. It’s Dermatitis. She was nuts per usual at the doctor. That’s nothing new.
However she’s very stimmy the last couple days. Very little focus, a lot of flapping, a lot of being destructive. To say the least I am so out of patience today. I have gotten very little sleep lately, not that that is new.
Whatever I say to Nora she ignores me or intentionally keeps doing what I ask her not too. For example: I was giving the dog a bath and when I came back out in the living room she had dumped 2 yogurts and a whole package of goldfish crackers all over the carpet. I raised my voice and told her to stop. She laughed and jumped up and down on the crackers intentionally crunching them in the carpet. She thought that was hilarious. I know she’s two, and two year olds are turds but c’mon. I yell, she yells, I cry, she laughs.
Andrew worked over time today so as I sat on the floor crying thinking “I’m seriously such a piece of shit mother” he wasn’t here to tell me that I’m doing a great job. I try my hardest but sometimes I just cant help but cry because my child can’t tell me what she needs or why she does the things that she does. She’s my everything and I just feel like sometimes I can’t make her happy.
As I type this she just got up on the couch next to me and said “hi mom” and laid down on me. I hope and pray that she will continue to grow when it comes to her communication skills. This kid is so freaky smart, but she can’t tell me that she needs a snack or that she’s bored or that she’s cold or whatever.
I try not to lose my cool. I try to be calm. I don’t want to look back in twenty years and feel like I didn’t do the right things to support her. But man, sometimes I feel so lost.
Tomorrow will be better. I preordered Disney+ so Nora and I can watch a Disney classic and eat lots of popcorn. That’ll be good. ❤️
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